September 2005 Archives
September 30, 2005
Submitted by Amy
Open Mouth, Insert Foot
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he
notices that a rather hot
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is
rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that
I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
Submitted by Gil (SpicyMan)
HOW TO
CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips
of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd
left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom
window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance
showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Submitted by Alfredo
Lawyer Story
THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very
rare and expensive
cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the
lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of
small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) In
delivering the
ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was
frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from
the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable
and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining
what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay
the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted
of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS.
Submitted by Kip
Submitted by Sharon
TENJEWBERRYMUDS
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what
'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated
for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at
a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad! ?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder
on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama
couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix
the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the
doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama)
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
10"
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be
the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
(you'll love this......)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi,
Missouri, Vermont, West Virginia and Washington DC
for those of you who have a problem
typing.....
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an
Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is
bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
September 27, 2005
Submitted by Marcia
Brazillion Soldiers
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the
president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the
president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Admit It!
10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 ! people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
You know you're living in 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list! of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get i! t.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Submitted by Melody
How to Make a Woman Happy
WITHOUT
FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT
IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW
TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1.
Show up naked
2. Bring food & beer
3. Hand over the remote.
ManSchooling
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for
marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....
TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just Six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates
degree in MA (Male Arts).
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
Just a thought for all the women out there.. MENtal illness,
MENstrualcramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist (poetic
spelling). Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
...and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy
Submitted by Gil (Spicy Man!)
Anatomy Discussion
A family is sitting around the
supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are
there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there
for decoration only!
Submitted by Amy
So True!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to
tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were
growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ...
uphill both ways ..through year 'round blizzards ... carrying their younger
siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they
maintained a Straight-A average despite their full-time, after-school job at
the local textile mill ... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to
help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids .. about how hard
I had it and how easy they've got it!
But...
Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around
and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids
today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet ... we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a
pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to
the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around
all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and f@#* it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to
bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7- 11! Those
were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller
ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could
be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't
know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station video games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and
"Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was little square! You had
to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it
was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept
getting harder and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and
you couldn't see you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels
and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a
little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when
it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the
TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning... D'ya hear what I'm
Saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
We didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up ... we had to
use the stove ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn .. we had to use that
stupid jiffy pop and shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled, you guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!!
Submitted by Uncle Chic & Auntie Jeanne
New Bush Stamp
The US Postal Service has created a stamp
with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his first term
achievements. In daily use it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking
to envelopes. This has enraged the President, who demanded a full
investigation.
After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the
following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side
September 22, 2005
Submitted by Sharon
The Gasoline Song - Click Here
Submitted by Frank S.
Brain Cramps
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question:
If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:
"I would not live forever, because we should
not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever,"
--Miss
Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I
watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help
but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those
flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to
become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had
major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston
Bennett,
University of Kentucky
basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the
killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going
to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
(we
are????)
--Hillary
Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown
scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one
to do it,"
--A congressional candidate
in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game
is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't
pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and
water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
(DUH !) and he wanted to be
President!!!!!!!!!
```````````````````
"I love
California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
does he know where
he almost grew up???.....
--Dan
Quayle
``````````
"We've got to
pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
(I say all we can get, I'll
take his clean air)
--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word
"genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL
football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't
necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
(Oh, well
that's different, I think)??????
--Colonel
Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't
succeed, we run the risk of failure."
(really???????)
--Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready
for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al
Gore, VP
(damn he's smart)
````````````````
"Traditionally,
most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````
"Your food
stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in
your circumstances."
--Department of Social
Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has
a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it
will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC
Chairman
....Feeling
smarter yet?
Submitted by Amy
Dr. Seuss for Grown-Ups
Submitted by Debby D.
Don't you feel like doing this to at least one person a day??
September 19, 2005
Submitted by Debby D.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. It may allow you six more months in
a nursing home in diapers. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: HELLO! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans--another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Remember, Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
Godiva in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and
screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Submitted by Marcia
The Friendly Texan
In a
crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first
step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and,
once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to
unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
September 15, 2005
Submitted by Jennifer W.
Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday,
and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for
breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!" and
possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My
kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the
office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning, Boss.
Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday! Let's go
out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks Jane,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined
instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each,
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my
apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right
back."
"OK," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all
singing, "Happy Birthday."
And I just sat there...............................
On the couch...................................
Naked.
September 13, 2005
Submitted by Sharon
New Gas Prices
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it
makes it easier. When it is time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all
comes arunnin.'
An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just
yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever
had,
namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles
her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE
kid to come,
and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
Submitted by Marcia
Politically Incorrect
7 reasons not to mess with children
A little girl: was talking to her teacher
about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.
September 12, 2005
Submitted by VJ
Too Stupid to be President - Click Here
Submitted by Killer
Gas Comics
One of those Days
Submitted by Debby D.
Unsafe Drivers
So I was
driving into work the other day,
and this dick in a truck pulls out in front of
me........
Submitted by Linnea
3 Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went
out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer,"
said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the
waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the
first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the
second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer,"
said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while
later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any
dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first
piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the
second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer,"
exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter
to the third little piggy,"
but why have you only ordered beer all
evening?"
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go
'Wee,
wee,
wee,
all the way home!"
Just another resume
Deer
Sir,
I waunt to apply for the
secritary job what I saw in
the paper. I can Type real
quik wit one finggar and do
sum a counting. I think I am
good on the phone and no I
am a pepole person, Pepole
really seam to respond to me
well. I´m lookin for a Jobb
as a secritary but it musent
be to complicaited. I no my
spelling is not to good but
find that I Offen can get a
job thru my persinalety. My
salerery is open so we can
discus wat you want to pay
me and wat you think that I
am werth, I can start
imeditely. Thank you in
advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant
so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a
bit short - below is a
pickture of me taken at my
last jobb.
Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy
May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check
Submitted by Gil (SpicyMan)
Just the right Note
A guy wanted to buy a
gift for his new girl friend's
birthday
and as they had only started dating,
after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of
gloves would strike the
right note: personal, but not too
personal. Accompanied by the
girl friend's younger sister, he
went to Herrod's and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping,
however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the
gloves and the girl friend got
the panties. The guy sent the
package to the girl friend with
the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you
are not in the habit of
wearing any in the evening. If it
had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones
with the buttons, but she
wears the short ones that are easier
to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the sales clerk
that helped me has a pair
that she has been wearing for the
past three weeks and they are
hardly soiled. I had her try yours
on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to
put them on for you the
first time, as no doubt other hands
will come into contact with
them before I have a chance to see
you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during
the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
PS: The latest style is to wear them
folded down with a little
fur showing.
Submitted by Jen W.
World War III
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,
this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in
here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going
to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill
140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big
tits? Why
kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I
told you
no one CARES about the 140 million
Muslims".
September 9, 2005
Submitted by Kip
Relax, Our President is in New Orleans
Submitted by Gil
NEWSPAPER ADS
THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!
1.) FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
2.) FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
3.) FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
4.) FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
5.) FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile. Better be a reward.
6.) COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED...Also 1 gay bull for sale.
7.) NORDIC TRACK: $300 hardly used, call Chubby
8.) GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
9.) JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
10.) WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie
AND THE BEST ONE...
11.) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete
set of Encyclopedia Britannica
- 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1000.00 or best offer. No longer needed,
got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Technology for Country Folk
Dear God
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to
they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president
thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down
to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied
granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the
best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was
just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a
tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't
come along.
Bumper Stickers
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
The proctologist called
...they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.
Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and drive!!
Welcome to America ...now speak English
The Vet
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned
a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the
table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to tail and back
again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at
the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock took the bill. "$300!" she cried. $300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $40. But with the Lab report
and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Submitted by Jennifer W.
Look at my piggy bank after I bought gas yesterday
Best Halloween Costume
Submitted by Linnea
Terrorist School
It's Hard to Read
These and Stay in a Bad Mood
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19 deleted because it wasn't funny.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
September 7, 2005
Lot's of catching up to do
Submitted by VJ
Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."
Submitted by Alex
Submitted by Sharon
Bush In Hell
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes
to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here," says
the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay
here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but you have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves".
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of
water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such
was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time." No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"
commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the
floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush
looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle
this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go!"
One of the
hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes
her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'HindLick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Pass this on to everyone that you think needs a good chuckle!!
House Of Prostitution
A man is driving on a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and
drives on without a second
thought.....Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs
are for real....
Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the side of
the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The
door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for
you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly
doing business.".....
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led
through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun
stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door"
He does as he is told and another nun in a long
habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please
place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway"
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in
the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,YOU SINNER.
Amen
New Road Sign 2006
Killer Biscuits
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the
actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while
there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Afterwards, several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked
over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very
strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were
locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally
got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it
was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in
for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.
Ghost Sex
A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a
lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.. The professor takes off his glasses,
and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way
up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
"So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
Buying a new Car
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could
zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a
few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that.
For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
When to Stop Tanning
Label Warnings
In case you needed further proof that
the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos - - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just
get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
===========================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
==========================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to
fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================
Apartment for Rent
A business man meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the
night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that
He does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250
for rent our apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because
when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the Check
for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
Furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady.
Cold Water
Can cold water clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ....
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
Meet Coldwater.....................
Twisted Funnies
How To Handle A Buzz
After 4
beers....
After 2 glasses of wine....
After 3 Kamikazes
After 2 bottles of wine (shared of course)....
After too many Margaritas....
(Note how the head must be restrained
to prevent it from exploding)
After 4 six-packs....
Muslim Mums
Another Bar Joke
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and
sits down. He bangs
on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer
to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
(You're gonna love this...)
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Submitted by Donna
Hallmark Cards
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
//////////////////////////////////////////////My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder.
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
###########################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
***************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
==========================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.Submitted by Killer
Getting Old
I
*JUST
*
HATE
!!!
GETTING
*
OLD
!!!
Together
Are you tired of hearing your spouse say: "We never do anything together."
Well, the Kohler Company has a solution:
Submitted by Kip
Boudreaux
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day
and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a
snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem
frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or
he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid.
Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun'
Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good
grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and
puts it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux knows dat! he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him
good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out
a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf.
Well, dat snake's eyeballs kindaroll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly
look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.
Reuters News Flash
The Redneck Unit has been Mobilized for Active Duty in Iraq.
The Special Forces unit from Alabama is set for deployment early next week.
Billy Bob, Butch, Bubba, Boo Boo, Scooter, Slick, Tex and Cooter are being sent
in with their 1968 Ford four wheel drive pickup trucks. To further confuse the
enemy, they will fly only the confederate flag. They will be given only the
following information about the enemy:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks, country music, barbecue or Jesus.
5. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
Experts expect it (Iraq) should be over in about a week.
A French Poem
Eleven thousand soldiers
lay beneath the dirt and stone,
all buried on a distant land
so far away from home.
For just a strip of dismal beach
they paid a hero's price,
to save a foreign nation
they all made the sacrifice.
And now the shores of Normandy
are lined with blocks of white:
Americans who didn't turn
from someone else's plight.
Eleven thousand reasons
for the French to take our side,
but in the moment of our need,
they chose to run and hide.
Chirac said every war means loss,
perhaps for France that's true,
for they've lost every battle
since the days of Waterloo.
Without a soldier worth a damn
to be found within the region,
the French became the only land
to need a Foreign Legion.
You French all say we're arrogant.
Well hell, we've earned the right--
We saved your sorry nation
when you lacked the guts to fight.
But now you've made a big mistake,
and one that you'll regret;
you took sides with our enemies,
and that we won't forget.
It wasn't just our citizens
you spit on when you turned,
but every one of yours
who fell the day the towers burned.
You spit upon our soldiers,
on our pilots and Marines,
and now you'll get a little sense
of just what payback means.
So keep your Paris fashions
and your wine and your champagne,
and find some other market
that will buy your aeroplanes.
And try to find somebody else
to wear your French cologne,
for you're about to find out
what it means to stand alone.
You see, you need us far more
than we ever needed you.
America has better friends
who know how to be true.
I'd rather stand with warriors
who have the will and might,
than huddle in the dark
with those whose only flag is white.
I'll take the Brits, the Aussies,
the Israelis and the rest,
for when it comes to valor
we have seen that they're the best.
We'll count on one another
as we face a moment dire,
while you sit on the sideline
with a sign, "friendship for hire."
We'll win this war without you
and we'll total up the cost,
and take it from your foreign aid,
and then you'll feel the loss.
And when your nation starts to fall,
well Frenchie, you can spare us,
just call the Germans for a hand,
they know the way to Paris.
Don Fichthorn, Major USMC (Retired)
Submitted by Melinda
Elevator Encounter
A skinny
little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says.
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 pounds per testicle, Turner
Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and,
shaking him manages to brings him to.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh
350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and
my name is Turner Brown."
The small guys says, "Turner Brown?! ... Whew, Thank God! I thought you said
"Turn around!"
Charades
Short Guide to Religions
Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Fundamental Shia in Iran: Shit happens if Valy Faqih permitted.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! or -this shit will return to Africa some day.
Why Buy The Cow?
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage
Submitted by John A.
Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and
decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear
and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around
to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm
going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So
the black bear has his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and
shot it dead.
Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly
bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've
got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be
mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it
took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to
track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then,
moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant
polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for
the hunting, do you?"
Submitted by Mike N.
A Man Song
For the men who are in charge: http://www.pwwhite.com/mansong.swf
Submitted by Gil (Spicy Man!)
Tough Mice
Three mice are at a bar, having drinks,
talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of
booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and
bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and
he tosses down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I
find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that
he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to
say for himself.
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door.
His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU
going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home
to screw the cat."
Just A Weee Bit
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided
he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter..
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could
hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
