October 2005 Archives
October 25, 2005
Submitted by Linnea:
Submitted by Gayle:
Fluctuations
I had a
bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency
exchange window at the local bank.
I chose the shortest line... just one guy in front of me.
He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a
little agitated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I get hunat eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
Submitted by VJ:
Submitted by Jen W.:
Happy Halloween!
'Last Pics I Ever Took' Contest
Retirement Bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and
decided to offer an
early Retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points of His body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top
Of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
Walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned petty officer, a grizzly old
Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
"from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with
him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where
are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".
Something for the Modern Woman
Calvin
Submitted by Meridith
Bud Light...........................................check
Keystone Ice........................................check
Budweiser...........................................check
Red Dog.............................................check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check
Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on...check
Next time let's all be more prepared.
Submitted by Sharon
Three Texas surgeons
Submitted by Melinda
Cat House Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes
it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway.
She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and
waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house,
new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought,
That's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls"
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."
Blonde
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate and she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to
pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house, as well. Please let
me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again
prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car, as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays.
"My God, why
have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My
children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always
been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto
just this one time, so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with me on this... Buy a ticket."
THE SIX AFFAIRS
*The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
*The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months
later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He went to his wife and told
her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a
stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
*The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever
seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to
remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and
took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
*The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry," she
said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over
him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you
to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was
about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in
the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
*The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?",
exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
*The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil
by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky,"
he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no I must die in peace, Becky I, I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work...."
Submitted by Gil (Spicy Man!)
Children's Science Exam
If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard
and vinegar.k
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can
be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the
leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it
in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides
are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets
still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you
get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A:
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is
what you will be after you be eight.
Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go
by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella
said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart
still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful,
but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability
checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh,
thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do
you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were
young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish;
what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young
man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes
of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was
gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect
man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair,
and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered. . . .
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
Fly A Kite
October 6, 2005
Submitted by VJ
Search for FAILURE
1)
Go to
http:\\www.google.com
2) Type in the word "failure" without the quotes.
3) Press the "I'm feeling lucky" button (instead of "search")
4) Laugh.
5) Pass it on ..
October 5, 2005
Submitted by Sharon
Making People Happy
The President, the First Lady and
Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and
says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right
now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills
out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his
co-pilot, "Such big shots back there .. hell, I could throw all of them out
the window and make 56 million people very happy!"
Submitted by Gil (Spicy Man!)
Husband & Wife Letters
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing
to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
called
to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the
last
straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had
gotten
my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore
a
brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and
went
straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me
you
love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. You're
cheating or
you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
So when I
discovered that I had hit
the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything
happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life
you
always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote,
you
won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother
was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
Submitted by Linnea
Ebonics Strikes Again!
Submitted by Jen W.
Words to Live By
