November 24th, 2004 Humor
Submitted by Jen M.
Happy Thanksgiving
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR
TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER
STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Submitted by Debby D.:
Submitted by Sharon:
You know your living in 2004 when...
You know you're living in 2004 when ...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after long days at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17.You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Excuses to Drink Beer
Subject: Beer
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ...Babe Ruth
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. ...Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ..Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. ...H.L. Mencken
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! ...George Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ..Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ...Dave Barry
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C. ...W.C. Fields
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ...Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! ...Leo Durocher
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Submitted by Denise:
Avon Lady
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.
She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon
Pine-Scented deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff,
and the Avon lady asked,
"Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells
like someone shit under a Christmas tree."
Submitted by Linnea:
The Cough Remedy
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a
wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his
cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxative."
The owner says,
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says,
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Woman's Ass Size Study
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
The results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway.
Submitted by Rosalie:
Monica's Prayer
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God, if You take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to You," she prayed. And
(*POOF*) just like that her ears fell off.
The X-Mas Gift
Christmas is tight this year. I will be making gifts.
Please let me know your sizes.
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxis to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc.
These slippers are
Soft and Hygienic
Non-slip grip strips on the soles
Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
No more bending over to mop up spills
Disposable and biodegradable
Environmentally safe
Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light day, and Get out the Sand Bags.
See the nifty slippers for yourself....
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http://store1.yimg.com/I/uglydress_1800_20877110
Submitted by Melody:
Alternate Word Meanings
Once again, The Washington Post ran its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate word meanings. Here are the results:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
