Humor for January 28th, 2005
Submitted by Ender
Unbreakable Dog Rules
Somehow these just make sense...
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a
specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the "dog house".
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his
own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his
dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a
comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two for one deal along with the dog
house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old
furniture, and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture -
upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the
covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on the
pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on
the pillow, but if he snores or farts, he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in bed,
but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now
sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
resident" even if it's true.
Famouse Dog Quotes
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his
tongue.
- Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
- Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
- M. Facklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are
incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and there will be very, very few people there.
- James Thurber
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.
- Penny Ward Moser
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
A dog.......the only love money can buy!
Submitted by Sharon
First Date
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the
audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever
had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There's
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no
overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met
before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the
mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not
have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in
the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it,
which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came
a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't
have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender
to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car
watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained
from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt
despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind
as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme
cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the situation
she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with
a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of
some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst
out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed
to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real
problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded
to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down, or perhaps
that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was
embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new
meaning to being "pissed off".
Submitted by Alfredo
Nudist Colony
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts
a photo in half and sends her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't
notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short
Submitted by Jen S.
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
