Stupid Tourist Pics

ANNUAL IDIOT AWARDS

Number One Idiot of 2004
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.  Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants.  I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.  She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.  I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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Number Two Idiot of 2004
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.  They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
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Number Three Idiot of 2004
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all muny in this bag."  While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.  So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.  She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
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Number Four Idiot of 2004
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.  At that point, the robber
took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign!
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Idiot Number Five of 2004
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"  When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
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Idiot Number Six of 2004
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Lexan. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

Give him his sign.
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Idiot Number Seven of 2004
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Sign please

Submitted by Debbie M.

Why People Hate Class Reunions

Submitted by VJ

THE STRING AND THE SPOON

  

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

 

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

 

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

 

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

 

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoon! s per table per hour.

 

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

 

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right    there?"

  

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

 

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

 

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

  

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Submitted by Debby D.

Inventions

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5.. And the maintenance costs are enormous!;

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it:


"Well, it may be true that my Invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Amen Brother!!!

Submitted by Melody

QUOTE OF THE YEAR

Nominated for 'Quote of the Year' is the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked, "If you had been in President Clinton's place, would you have resigned?"

Armey's reply: "If I had been in the president's place I would not have gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own blood, looking up, and listening to my wife ask, 'How do you reload this, you son of a bitch?'"

Submitted by Marcia

Remarkable Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr.
   Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
   was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
  
   He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing
   when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and
   that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound
   financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable
   parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
  
   His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
   overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old
   boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
   suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
   fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
  
   Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
   parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not
   inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
   abortion.
  
   Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
   became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received
   better treatment than their victims.
  
   Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize
   that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and
   was awarded a huge financial settlement.
  
   Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
   wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
   is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
  
   Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
 

A Woman's Prayer
 Dear Lord,
 I pray for:

 Wisdom, To understand a man.
 Love, To forgive him and;
 Patience, For his moods.
 Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
 I'll just beat the shit out of him.

 

E y e - T a l i a n
To all my Italian friends and family, and a few who are not - enjoy!  and if you are from Brooklyn, New Jursey, or Long Eyeland, you'll really appreciate this! 

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said - TO NY.

You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds,
shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit
two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles
into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant,
travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block.
All five of those cousins are named after your
grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9",
it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce "cappicola", "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

You've called someone a "mamaluke."

And you understand "bada bing

 

Cyanide
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs  some
cyanide. The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you  need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her  husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I  can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the  law! I'll
lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds  of bad
things will happen!  Absolutely not, you can NOT have any  cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a  picture of her
husband  in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The  pharmacist looked at
the picture and  replied, "Well now, you  didn't tell me you had a
prescription !"