December 2005 Archives
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Submitted by Donna
Dinner Conversation
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breast are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Christmas Cartoons
Best Singles Ad Ever
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 15,000 men
found themselves talking to the
Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador
retriever.
Submitted by Linnea
The proof that the earth is warming....... ;-)
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from
morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
Submitted by Sally
Something to offend everyone
Did you
hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with.. "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Submitted by Michele A.
Dear Santa
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid,
fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a
family with those? Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I
give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind
by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Santa P.S. Tell your mom she
got the part.
A,*oeLong DongA,*A_ Claus
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house. Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again. Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Submitted by Melinda
Remember This At Christmas Time
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December; but female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Submitted by Sharon
Did Santa bring you that?
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
The History
of Yodeling
Have you ever wondered where
and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling the rough the mountains of
Switzerland
Nightfall was rapidly
approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the
farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man
going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the
night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food
for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in
her ! hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man
was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she
too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone,
she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she
cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house
looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!"
Your Wish?
Submitted by Eleanor
HELL
One day a guy died
and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had
his first meeting with the Devil.
The Devil asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded,
"What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the Devil said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're
gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till
we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is
astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the Devil asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The Devil continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead
anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .."
"That's right!
Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or
smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The Devil said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...
The Good
Napkins
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the
cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.
I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom.
Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with
unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special
occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....
It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks were leaving to pick up my uncle and
his wife for dinner... Mom had assignments for all of us
while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next
came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost
died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table
with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked in the tails in so they
didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"
Submitted by Gil (Spicy Man!)
Whatever Happened??
An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favorite Saturday night TV program.
During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife:
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied:
"You know, I don't really know--I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
Submitted by Mike N.
Late Breaking Sad News
VERY SAD NEWS.......
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to
find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Submitted by Jen W.:
Bush
Submitted by Kip
Olaf & Sven Fishing
Olaf & Sven were
fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had
no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into
his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle pox?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of
your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears
back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his
million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million
ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin'
Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Thursday, December 1, 2005
Submitted by Melinda
Essay Answer
The following is supposedly an actual
question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
BONUS QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.
One student wrote the following:
First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once the soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no
souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates
as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume in Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before
I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with
her last night, then the number two must be true, and thus I am sure
that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of the theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct... Leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
kept shouting "Oh my God".
Submitted by Gayle
Funnies
Submitted by Sharon
'Twas
the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Terrorists
Everyone seems to be wondering why terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. .. . . .
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a
face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for
a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it
twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same
mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry
me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same
time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today .
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in
your wildest dreams .
Submitted by Gil
The Manogram
Penis Jokes
