CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS

 

Published: Tuesday, November 16, 2004

 

By Joe Blundo

 

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

 

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

 

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

 

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

 

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.

 

The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

 

“He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

 

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

 

“Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk.”

 

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

 

“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”

 

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

 

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.

 

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

 

“If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.

 

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

 

“I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”

 

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

 

“We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out.”

 

Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.

Submitted by Alfredo

 

Things that make you say "HOLY COW!"

 

Submitted by Sharon

What Snowmen do in the Summer

 

Holiday Eating Advice

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
  table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
  carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
  balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
  single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
  single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
  So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
  not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.
  It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
  Have two It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
 
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
  potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
  Repeat.
 
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
  whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
  It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
 
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
  your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
  people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
 
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
  time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
  while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
 
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
  frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
  yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
  becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
  If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
 
  8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
  you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
  three. Whenelse do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
 
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
  celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
  I mean, have some standards.
 
  10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
  get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips;
  start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
 
  Remember this motto to live by:
  "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
  safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
  sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly
  used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
 
 
  Have an absolutely fantastic holiday!!!
 

Submitted by VJ

How NOT to light fireworks

Submitted by Linnea

Snowball Launcher

Submitted by Debby D.

Holiday Cooking

 Subject: Christmas Cookie Recipe!!
      Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
    
       1 cup of water
       1 tsp baking soda
       1 cup of sugar
       1 tsp salt
       1 cup of brown sugar
     1 tsp lemon juice
       4 large eggs
       1 cup nuts
       2 cups of dried fruit
    
       1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla
       Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check
     the Cuervo again,
    
       to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup
     and drink.
       Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large
       one teaspoon of sugar..Beat again. At this point it's best to
     make sure the Cuervo
       is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.
   
       Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl
     and chuck in the
       cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix
     on the turner. If the
    
       fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it lloose
     with a drewscriver.
       Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
       Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a
     sheet. Check the Jose
    
       Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add
     one table. Add a
       spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
       Greash the oven.
   
       Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't
     forget to beat
       off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Cose
     Juervo and make
       sure to put the stove in the dishwasher
    
   
       CHERRY MISTMAS