Feel free to submit any jokes or humorous pics
to our Forum
Since we haven't had time to update this page as frequently as most of you would like, we created a thread in our forum where you can post your own jokes as well as enjoy others.
Thanks!
Pit Bull Saloon
March 16, 2006
Submitted by Lisa M.
Irish Babies
An Irishman is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds!
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Irishman just shrugs, "That's about average in Ireland, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Irish baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Irishman returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you.... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Irish father takes a slow swig from his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
Submitted by Kip
Ireland's Natural Disaster Rescue Team
Floods threaten to overtake Ireland.....crowds panic!
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On
the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it
in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"
Submitted by Gil
Submitted by Sharon
Letter to Kotex - (Feminine Pad Maker)
Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panti-liner had a bunch of
"Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products
Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a
functioning set of ovaries.
Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of
water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll
wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from
the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be
females who just ovulated.
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products.
Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly
relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for
survival, mainly containing alcohol.
Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY
PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl
running to the Always brand.
Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun
time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery
cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown
wrapper so we can throw it in our carts
discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more
annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to
everyone in the store.
The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every
stage, including at the point of purchase.
So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass. Try drinking six
to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you're doing it!
Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS
JIM AND EDNA
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.......
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental
hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged;
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Now how soon can I go home?"
Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving
is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this
wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have
some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So,
Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our
Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy
to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried
about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far
as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary,
you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up
and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly,
"Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It
says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."
Cheney Shirts
Submitted by Jessica
Bin Laden's Note to Bush
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply. "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
March 2, 2006
Submitted by Sharon
and the answer is....
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest
children?
Ask your mother.
__________________________________________________________
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
__________________________________________________________
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at
the party except you.
__________________________________________________________
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
__________________________________________________________
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic w! ife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
__________________________________________________________
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
___________________________________________________________
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
___________________________________________________________
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
___________________________________________________________
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
___________________________________________________________
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.
___________________________________________________________
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
___________________________________________________________
12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
"Are you in?"
___________________________________________________________
13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
"Honey, I'm home!"
Joke
My wife
and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
A store that sells new husbands has just opened on 5th Ave in New York
City where women can go to choose a husband. As you enter the store
there is a list of instructions of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to the store and the attributes
of the men increase as ascend the flights. There is however, a catch:
you may choose any man from a particular floor but once you choose to go
up to the next floor you can't go down except to exit the building! So
a
woman goes into the husband store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor a sign reads: Floor 1 these men have jobs.
She ascends to the 2nd floor where a sign reads: Floor 2 these men have
jobs and love kids.
She ascends further to the 3rd floor where a sign reads: Floor 3 these
men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking! "Wow"
she
thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
On the 4th floor a sign reads: Floor 4 these men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Oh mercy
me!"
she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still she goes to the 5th Floor and a sign reads: Floor 5 these men have
jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, helps with the housework, and
have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but goes on to the 6th floor and a sign
reads: You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists only to prove that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the husband store.
A new wives store has opened across the street. The 1st floor has wives
who enjoy sex. The 2nd has wives who enjoy sex and have money. The 3rd
thru 6th floor have never been visited.
Terrorists
A driver
is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a
man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Ann Coulter.
They are asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise they are going to
douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon"
Submitted by Donna
Sons Who Make Their Daddy Proud
February 28, 2006
Submitted by Sharon
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and ! letting your safety razor blad e soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.
10. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
11. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
12. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
13. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the oil from your skin.
14. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
And silly me, I've only been drinking the stuff!!!
Silly Thoughts of the Day and Bumper Stickers
Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks
you are an ass.
Impotence..Nature's
way of saying "No hard feelings,"
The proctologist called
...they found your head..
Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...
You'll need it to blow up your
date.
Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.
WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.
Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one..
Some people just don't know how to
drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are
only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your
mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and drive!!
And
The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America
...now
speak English
Speculation
This is pure speculation, but I think somebody came home early
Submitted by Killer
An Italian Mother
A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women, and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
Reluctantly, his mother agrees.
So the next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, introduces them, and then settles them on the couch, after which they all chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
Without hesitation, she replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma!! You're right!!!! How could you possibly know?"
The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."
Karma
Submitted by Jen W.
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so
we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing
will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or
after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk
with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and
cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."
Male Blonde Joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond
opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more
time, I'm jumping
too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and ! cabbage,
and jumped to his death.
The
Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to
him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!
Submitted by Linnea
Why am I so Tired?
For a
couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too
much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could
think of. But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . .
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are e 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading
jokes.
Nice . . . . real nice.
Submitted by Sally
Signs
Submitted by Marcia
Rich & the Doctor (A Classic)
The doctor said, "Rich, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news
is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes
your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Rich was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was
without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing
store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Rich laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in
the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Rich tried on the suit. It fit
perfectly.
As Rich admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?"
Rich thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Rich and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Rich was
surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in
the business 60 years" Rich tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Rich walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"
Rich
thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size
36."
Rich laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The
salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your
testicle s up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache!!!"
..New suit - $400
..New shirt - $36
..New underwear - $6
..Second Opinion - PRICELES
February 27, 2006
Submitted by Sharon
The World Famous
International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're
still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to
you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for
calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If
you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have LOTS of money
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy"
message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The
World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down,
and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
The Anniversary Gift
Mike was
in BIG trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be
something in our driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds flat!"
The next morning she looked outside and saw a small package in the
driveway.
She brought it inside, opened it.....and found a brand new bathroom
scale.
Funeral services for Mike have been scheduled for Friday.
Friendship Between the Sexes
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man
called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his
wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed
that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still
there.
Submitted by Jen W.
top 25
signs you aren't 20 anymore!!
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to
bed
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator
6. You watch the Weather Channel
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook
up" and" break up."
8. You go from 13! 0 days of vacation time to 14
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed
up."
10. You're the one calling the police because "those
f**king kids next door won't turn down the stereo"
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex
jokes around you
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes
anymore
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car
payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Did et instead of
McDonald's leftovers
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of
the beginning of one
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would
severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for
ibuprofen and antacid not condoms and pregnancy tests
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good
stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast
time
22. I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces
"I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
is for real work
24. You drink at home to save money before going to
a bar
25. You read this entire list looking desperately
for one sign that doesn't apply to you and
can't find on! e to save your sorry old a$$.
Then you forward d it to a bunch of old pals &
friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.
BONUS: 26. When you find out your friend is pregnant
you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh SHIT! what happened?"
Submitted by Roseanne
Difference in Brains
The Male Brain
February 17, 2006
Submitted by Donna
World's Shortest Fairy Tale Ever!
Little Johnny Strikes Again
A grade school teacher in
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we
all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Submitted by Kip
PEAKAH DE
ENGLISH
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly.
"In this country. . we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
Submitted by Jen W.
Men Strike Back
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the
kitchen sink
.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Submitted by Linnea
Budweiser Frogs
February 16, 2006
Submitted by Erika
Women; According to Engineers
Submitted by Marcia
Trip to Jerusalem
A wife and her husband went on vacation to
Jerusalem.
While they were there, the husband passed away.
The undertaker told the wife "You can have him shipped home for
$5,000, Or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The woman thought about it and told the undertaker she would just
have him shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"
The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."
6th grade science
6th grade
science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get
fired!"
She sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question
again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated?"
Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First,
you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And
third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!"
OSHA Required
Last Argument
OK Honey, We're here,
You can come out now!
Submitted by John
World's Bravest Man (In the backgroung)
Submitted by Melody
Believe it or not
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote
"Now," she asked me,? has your plane arrived yet?" SHE ALSO votes!
"This explains how Bush got in Office." LOL!!!! ~ Cindy
Submitted by Kip
The Interview
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No
doubt you have spoken to him. :-)
Submitted by Debby D.
Dennis Miller's New Rules
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I ddn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
Submitted by Gil (SpicyMan!)
More Red Necks
Submitted by Sally
Makeover
A
middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time
to live, she figured she might as well look nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance. Arriving in front of God again, she demanded, "I thought
you
said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of
that ambulance?"
God replied: "GirrLLLLLL..., I didn't even recognize you."
February 15, 2006
Submitted by Erika
Biker Club
A little old lady wanted
to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a
big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to
meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.
So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, that's my Harley
over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke
four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting
pool."
The biker was impressed and asked, "Well, have you
ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been
picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few
times."
Submitted by Sharon
Blow Jobs
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not
standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I
heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it
through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't
feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have
sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone
with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't
tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be
repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy
that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to
either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have
to "kiss it good morning."
WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON
THE SUBJECT
1. First of all,
yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone
(younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second,
swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about
farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as
I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your
hair.
5. When you're on your
period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you
from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if
you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you
can get.. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the
taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the
stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no
danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9.
Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning
now, but when you get old &fat and looking for some action, I
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any
on your face, now will you?
Baptist Cowgirl
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and
orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for
myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though
Blonde Joke
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yes, SHE IS A BLONDE!
Dicks From Around the World
The Bug
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable
infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over, slices the man's penis off
and angrily tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter.
The little girl is chattering away at her father when all of a sudden the
penis lands on the car windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
A moment of surprised silence ... then, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young
age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits quietly, thoughtfully, and after a moment says
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
Submitted by Melinda
Bike Sex
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not
sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his
opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work
and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a
minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man
of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely
play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so
many
others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid
do it."
Submitted by Kip
Cowboys
A rugged
cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has
some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You
have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a
head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off
with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."
Submitted by Jenn W.
These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After
a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for
cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please
don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this
bed when I get married. How will my wife fit ! in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but
dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
(who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Submitted by Linnea
Never!
NEVER
NEVER
EVER
FART IN A WETSUIT!
Submitted by Leon
A FEW DAYS LATER:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
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